Ten years ago, I was just getting out of college and barely dragging myself over the finish line.  At the time, my academic record, personal life and spiritual life was in pieces.  Had it not been for the understanding, encouragement and kindness of my instructors, I would not have passed.

It was from this standpoint that I entered my professional career: with no confidence in my own abilities because I had thought that my merits were not deserved.  It has only been over the last few months that I realize how I have spent the last decade trying to prove to them and to myself that I deserved their trust.

I have been blessed with many good jobs, many good managers and coworkers, and with many opportunities for growth – professionally, personally and above all, spiritually.  Even the times when I had difficult management situations and difficult times, I now see them as opportunities to exercise patience and long-suffering.  But ultimately, I see those times as challenges meant to test my personal integrity – to say the things that no one else would say and to do the hard things that needed to be done.

Above all, I see that my marriage has been the greatest blessing for my own growth.  My marriage and my family has not only blessed me with many earthly joys and a place of spiritual healing, but also given me the most focus and inspiration in becoming the person I have always wanted to be.

Coming into 2009 was incredibly hectic.  I was working late nights and long weekends.  I had gained 25 pounds in about 4 months from all the high-stress development we were doing that was fed on soda and takeout food.  I was glad for my parents being there to celebrate Christmas and New Years, because otherwise, it would have been lonely for my wife and kids since I was rarely at home and working the holidays.  And even then, the end was still not in sight in 2009.

My team vented frustrations in many ways to keep our morale up and to prevent inertia.  One of the ways I vented my frustration was in driving my energy into developing my first published Flash Game, “Strike Eagle.”  The inspiration of my sons and my wife, the confidence I had gained over the decade, as well as the combined frustration at work gave me the impetus to finally make my first game.

I’m glad that I got the game done and had much to show for it at every step of the way.  And there are so many great people in the Flash and Indie Game Development community that I’ve met through this effort.  It certainly outweighs the lack of monetary recognition this game had, but that is my own fault for submitting it to a contest rather than trying to sell it as a license.

After publishing the game April 1^st, I only just got paid at Christmas.  I received $110.14 for the 100 hours I spent developing it (a little over $1.10/hour) but it was timely and made a great set of Christmas presents for my sons.

After April, my work shifted gears.  Development was done and so I was moved over to Operations to get our product installed, ready for use and with 24-hour call support.  This was the time I was the most prolific with my blog posts (mostly because I wasn’t sleeping.)  I was analyzing the strengths and failures of “Strike Eagle” but I was also writing posts of encouragement for the Indie Game Development scene.  It was partly because I was seeing a lot of despair for Indie Developers, but also to encourage myself that I just had to keep trying.  Sadly, I was kept so busy that I could not hunker down to program – but it was not without reason.

At that time, my wife had volunteered to make some dresses for a Steampunk Fashion show.  She had long been contemplating her career path since having our eldest son right out of college and she wanted to get into Fashion design.  So between my new work responsibilities and the odd hours I was keeping, I shifted from doing my own projects to taking care of the boys at every spare moment I had.  This freed my wife’s time to put together her fashion pieces spanning over 6 months.  She also took a couple commissioned dresses during this time which not only gave her more confidence, but seriously boosted her skills for the final push before the Fashion show.

In a span of a few short months, I saw my wife grow tremendously both in her ability and in her confidence to sew.  And I am very proud of the final products that she was able to produce for the Anime USA 2009 Steampunk Fashion show.  I even created a site for her to showcase the work she has done and her site will eventually sponsor some items that people can buy.   I am extremely proud of her and am just happy that I get to not just share in her joy, but that I get to announce it to the whole world through the Internet.

After the Fashion show in late November, I started to take some real vacation time – turning pagers off, and seriously decompressing.  It was rough for the first few weeks because I was irritated, agitated and suffered from a second bout of insomnia.  I was forced to take more time to rest and to really sleep once the whole family got sick in early December.  It was around then that I realized how much stress, anger and frustration I had been bottling in for the last year.

Even though it was a good thing that I channeled so much of my energy into projects and doing productive things, much of what I created was out of frustration and anger rather than out of joy.

I realize that it was for this reason I was held back from doing more in 2009 – so that I would not create out of anger or frustration, but to really enjoy game development for itself.

And so, I’ve started taking it a bit easier into this new Decade.  I’m going to take myself a little less seriously and poke fun at myself for it.  And that I should work hard at things that give me joy, rather than just for the sake of working hard.

Nothing fills me with more joy than knowing that what I am building makes a big difference in the lives of so many people.  And so, my first project for this decade is building a site to help build wells and fight HIV in Central Africa.  I will post a link once I have it up and running.

As for all you who have encouraged me on this blog over the last year…  Thank you for your support and kind words throughout this time in my life.  I hope to have much more to share with you in 2010.

Have a blessed and wonderful new Decade!

A friend of mine posted on my Facebook wondering how in the world I can keep pace with my game development and freelancing while working 50-60 hours a week, on call, and busy as an active husband and father of two.  I said simply, “I got tired of waiting.”  But that is not the whole story.

People say I am a hard worker.  But I know that this is not a product of my own making.  It was the inspiration of my wife, and her diligence, patience and love for me and our children that makes me who I am.  Had it not been for her encouraging me to build my dreams, to not to be afraid and expect many failures, but to keep the faith and keep pursuing them, I wouldn’t be here writing to encourage others to do the same.

The truth of the matter is that my wife is my inspiration and I cannot help but work harder for her and for our sons.

Because she’s given me my wings and the only thing I can do is to do the same.  On top of being a stay-at-home mother, she is now a proud business owner of her very own limited-liability corporation (LLC).  In the coming months, I will be helping her build an online presence.  I really look forward to showing all of you what she’s been up to in the coming months.

My current project list is as follows:

• Completed programming the portfolio of Jonathan Stuart – the artist for Space ROX
• Building a streaming video system for a freelance client
• Building an accounting system for an overseas freelance client
• Building my wife’s online store and web blog
• Finishing Game #2

Now a question for my readers…

It seems that the threads that get the biggest responses are the articles I write that encourage indie game developers to pursue their dreams and to keep looking for those incredible opportunities that only the “small guys” can see and pursue.  But in general, I am getting the sense that everyone has been hard hit by the economy and fallen into a state of depression and “gloom and doom.”  Also, I am sensing a lot of frustration in really getting a solid base of connectivity not only with a solid fan base, but also with other indies who are also struggling.

To this end, I have been thinking of pursuing a new project, but I will need your input and support.

I have been thinking of creating a site to replace the now defunct “Manifesto Games” not with the intention of being yet another publisher, but with the sole focus of introducing the people behind the indie game movement.  The one thing that I think is missing in a lot of game blogs is the focus on the genuine people who work hard and break themselves over their love for games and their art.  So I was hoping of creating a blog/database and start featuring indie game developers from around the world, hoping to inspire other indies as build a sense of community and camraderie.  And hopefully, it can create a fan-base as well and put new and prospective fans in touch with the “little guys” who make up the indie movement.

Now, I know my limitations and I know I cannot do this alone.  I am wondering if there are other people out there who are willing to help me in this endeavor?  Also, I would love to hear any comments and or suggestions, especially if any of you know of any place that does this kind of thing especially for indie game developers.

The Bad News: I will be slowing down my posting to about twice a week.

The Good News: Because I will be very much on my way with my new game.  Like I did with Strike Eagle, I will be posting the iterations of my game and releasing all my interim steps once the game is published.

I hope that this doesn’t disappoint anyone, but now that I have more time due to having a great boss pushing to hire more people (even in this economy), I will have more time and energy at night to work on my own hobbies instead of just talking about them.

Until then, I’m still giving deeper thought into what could be possibly done to support the indie community and bring it together as a movement in light of Manifesto Games’ recent demise…

Any thoughts?